There Step Mom Knee

I’m not too proud to issue a correction. A few months ago I stated that there weren’t any Trader Joe’s in Paramus, NJ, which was true at the time. But on Monday a new branch did open in that city, which I still think is odd since Westwood is just six miles up the way. If they’re going to be that redundant, then TJ’s had better get a move on setting up shop in the outer boroughs.

1. rachel ray cooking ingredients like peppercorns

First off, a search has much greater possibility of relevance when you spell things correctly (though obviously I must’ve spelled Rachael as Rachel or this searcher wouldn’t have ended up on my site). I’m also trying to figure out why the searcher thinks peppercorns are a unique ingredient exclusive to Rachael Ray. Sure, Emeril has his Essence spices and Wolfgang Puck has that self-heating coffee that was recalled due to fire hazards. But peppercorns? Oh, never mind, it’s too easy to poke fun at anything Rachael Ray related.

2. teenage boys getting spanked on the bare butt over there step mom knee

I have no solutions for this query. I just like the notion. There’s nothing sexier than bad grammar…and teenage boys being bare-ass spanked by their step mom, of course.

3. "krista garcia" and librarian

I get very nervous when I see searches like this leading here. I know lots of people get off on web attention, and I guess I do to some degree, but it’s not the kind of thing that motivates me. (I almost never post on message boards or leave comments on blogs.) The fact that not just my name is being used, but also my profession implies something job related and that’s why I worry. I don’t imagine an acquaintance, stranger or voice from my past would run such a search. This feels like the work of a current, past, future or potential employer or any coworkers from practically any time, and that’s scary.

It’s not really a biggie to me, but unfortunately there are a lot of humorless people in this world, particularly in the library profession (if you could only see the folks interviewing for my job) who might come away from here thinking that I genuinely hate chefs whose parents own SoHo lofts (I swear I’m going to start stalking Zak Pelaccio for shits and giggles. Last night I noticed he’s doing a panel discussion at the Asia Society next Tuesday with James Oseland, the new editor-in-chief of Saveur, and it’s totally calling my name) and think Greenpoint girls should be sexually assaulted because they’re spoiled seat stealers.

Sometimes I hate blogs—they make me all unnecessarily self-conscious and touchy-feely. I really miss the days of using full names and disclosing sordid details with little fear of being found out.