Is That Your Final Answer?

Apropos to nothing, last week my mom emailed to ask if I’d ever thought of being on Who Wants to Be A Millionaire as if that’s the sort of thing you decide to do one day and do it (apparently, Millionaire is way popular with moms). No, it had never occurred to me and besides those scenes in Slumdog Millionaire, I’ve never watched an episode. It’s too slow and faux suspenseful; I just don’t have the patience for it.

But with nothing better to do, I did fill out the tryout form and the next day received an appointment for today after work. I figured it wouldn’t kill me to take a test. But I just now noticed that the email came with an attachment full of lame questions to fill out. It’s not like Jeopardy where it’s all based on your quiz (which I bombed once in person and twice online). Millionaire is personality-based, obviously, or else you’d have geniuses on there winning the full amount on a regular basis.

It’s just not worth a million dollars for me to answer shit like, “If you could vote yourself as best-_____ or most-likely-to_____, what would be your vote?” “What is one thing you do that makes people laugh?” or “You’d never believe it but I once…”

Most likely to become bedridden and morbidly obese? And yes, you’d never believe but once I was just minding my business fully clothed and I just fell on a flashlight. Craziest thing, it lodged itself in my anus. I didn’t even believe it myself at first. Now can I have a million dollars?

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