I totally forgot how to write. Like you know when you become conscious of your breathing and tense up or think too much about swallowing when drinking water and gag? Ok, maybe that only happens to me. But seriously, I type words and they make sense but are just letters. I’m boring myself. It could a result of too much work writing, i.e. not even business writing, which I could handle, but neutral, no contractions analyst speak. And I can’t even do that convincingly, nor do I want to, frankly.
This sounds bizaare and bratty and I feel that I’ve mentioned it before because it was such a weird experience, but there was a point in grade school, maybe when I was nine or so, when all of a sudden I felt smart, like my vocabululary expanded, I knew everything and I was aware of it. I was alone in my room and had stories in my head. Totally full of ideas.
I haven’t felt such a burst of knowledge since. Adulthood has been one long flat coast, a notch or two above mediocrity. But now I’m wondering if I’m going down the other side, getting stupider while still being smart enough to realize I’m declining mentally.
Maybe it’s the heat. Last summer I tried an old-fashioned tricyclic antidepressant in a super low dose (prescription, not self-medicated, though prescribed by a guy who diagnoses everyone with ADD and gives adderall freely, which I wish I could take but can’t because I’d probaby have a heart attack) to help with concentration but it only made me feel zombiefied while simultaneously making my heart race, then I’d aggetate to the point where I’d pick fights with people. Oddly, I was just given the same class of drug in a low dose a few months ago to potentially stop headaches, but once again with the heart racing and extreme spaciness. The opposite of helpful…
Also, my spellcheck (this is not my version of Word) isn’t catching spelling errors and I can see that aggetate and bizaare do not look right, but I couldn’t even tell you how fix them because I’ve become that dumb.