How to Look Alluring

Even though the April edition of Allure I naively picked up at the gym (not realizing it was an age-focused issue) said dark hair ages you, I still dyed my hair black because I want to look haggard and aged as possible, apparently. It's only demi-permanent so it should settle into a dark brown after a week, and then a week later the white roots will start popping up and I'll be at a crossroads again. Whatever. One-week to skunk-hood.

But I also learned so much else from Allure that I will probably also ignore.

Do not part your hair. My hair parts naturally on the left so this is hard to remedy, though when I got my haircut  a few weeks ago at a Japanese salon in my neighborhood, the stylist did, indeed, tousle everything so there was no seam. I think this has to do with disguising roots because that’s what was explicitly done when I got my haircut in Singapore a few years ago and had failed to color my hair before vacationing.

No glitter, shimmer, sparkly makeup. If you see a piece of glitter, no matter how small, you're doing it wrong. I’ve worn eyeshadow with silver flecks in it twice since reading this and now I look 50.

No dark lipstick. Fine,  deep mattes are ‘90s anyway, all my burgundies have been packed away for years. I just hope no one takes away brights next.

No drinking from water bottles, only those horrible ones you squirt from a distance. We all know (didn’t we?) straws were out of the question, the lip-puckering will cause wrinkles nearly as bad as sucking on a cigarette (or dicks, I guess? but no one ever discusses the blowjob/wrinkles connection and they really should). None of this issue is online, but I found extra valuable advice on from a past issue:  "Pursing or puckering lips frequently—when sipping, smoking, or talking animatedly—is a major source of fine lines around the mouth." Just talking will make you look elderly.

Thankfully blogging requires no mouth movements.


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