Too Hot to Trot

I didn’t intend to totally kill this blog. I was just waiting for something to happen that made more sense here than anywhere else. For at least ten years I’ve been irrationally hot in the morning, which in the summer leads to sweating so hard my bangs are wet by the time I get to work and trickles run down my leg like urine streams while on the subway. And recently it has started getting worse, whether due to anxiety, medication meant to curb that anxiety, or the first glimmers of menopause, I can’t handle walking 10 blocks in 90-degree NYC humidity without soaking through my clothes and dripping off my make up.

Anyway, to the point. I went for a bikini wax today, the fourth in my life, something I do maybe three times a year and only started last year at 43 on a whim, and after getting all stripped from the waist down and legs open like a butterfly (their words, not mine) was told it couldn’t be done because I had a heat rash and they were afraid my skin would rip off. This was simultaneously hilarious and humiliating and while my first inclination was to share with the world, it didn’t feel right for a 44 year old on Facebook or Twitter or Instagram. So, here you go, blogs are dead. I can say openly that my vagina had a heat rash with little risk of anyone ever knowing.

(Just a few nights I go I clicked on a Refinery 29 article teased in an email round-up, which I almost never don’t regret but with a headline like “People Are Putting What On Their Vaginas?!” C’mon. At the time, just 48 hours ago, I literally [yes, literally] thought this was the dumbest thing I’d ever read. Now, I’m thinking…genius?)

This was immediately after a follow up doctor appointment to see if my blood sugar was better i.e. not diabetic, and I was diligent to stop drinking in August to hopefully shed a little chub and not die in the immediate future. I haven’t been extreme other than the no drinking, which I’m not a daily drinker or anything but when I do drink I don’t stop and easily have six beverages. I’m sure the calories add up, so I was guessing maybe I’d lose five pounds in a month just drinking water. And…I gained two pounds.

So, hello extra heft and heat rash where it doesn’t belong. August can suck it as far as I’m concerned.