Dear Old Dad

Old_dadI’ve been negligent in the fat dude arena because I’ve become consumed with vitriol thanks to another subset of fine gentlemen: Old Dads. I’ve always found Michael Douglas/Catherine Zeta Jones pairings a little off putting. And now that I’m firmly in my 30s the old dad double standard has really dawned on me.

No one I know in my age group is remotely close to wanting children. Maybe when we’re 50. But it doesn’t work like that for women, does it? I don’t have a single friend friend with kids, and this loosely defined group ranges in age from late 20s to early 40s, most in the 34-36 range. I do have peripheral friends (I hear those are called acquaintances) with children, women I might see like once a year. But kids aren’t the norm in my day-to-day world.

I’ve never thought seriously about reproducing, but the fact that I might only have like six years left to make such a life decision is kind of irritating. As much as I loathe all the late-in-life power mommies of gentrified NYC, they’re victims of nature. There’s nothing natural about sowing your oats until your wizened and thinking it’s now cool to knock-up smooth-skinned lasses.

I also don’t think it’s right that somehow rich daddy negates old daddy. And yes, it tends to be financially successful men who view themselves as free spirits who think that settling down in middle age with a woman twenty years their junior is acceptable. You waited until you were geriatric to start a family? Too fucking bad, pops. My only vindication is that study from the early ‘00s showing that decrepit dads have higher incidences of schizophrenic offspring.

Random Offenders

This absolutely wasn’t inspired by the recent Eric Schaeffer hate fest, though he certainly fits the profile.

Someone’s been watching too many of his own films. “Now I’m ready to be a father,” says Hugh Grant. Gross. I wish the 46-year-old would go back to banging hookers and lay off his wealthy 32-year-old girlfriend who already has a 10-year-old boy.

I can’t even take the Hugh Hefner thing seriously. But a 53-year age gap might be a record breaker. It’s kind of impressive.

I generally like Tony Bourdain, yet like Sarah Silverman, isn’t he due for some sort of ok-we-get-your-shtick backlash? I’m surprised at his high worship to criticism ratio. Divorced, childless 50-year-olds making babies with 28-year-old Italians isn’t badass or edgy.

Interesting quote from an April, 2006 Guardian profile:

“He is quite sure that the one regret he doesn't have is not having children. 'I would have been a shit parent. I'm a very good uncle. The evil uncle who lets them do everything. But a parent? Up until very recently I could hardly take care of myself.”

8 thoughts on “Dear Old Dad

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