No Cuts, No Butts, No Coconuts

Fudgie I have no love for sea creatures, but I’m much more bummed out about Sludgie the whale dying than any of this crazed Korean business (though reading “Richard McBeef” did suck a few minutes of my time). It’s not every day a whale shows up walking distance from your Brooklyn apartment. I hate it when the brain makes random ultimatums. I was thinking if that whale dies, the world really had gone to shit (the past week has brought all sorts of personal weirdness into my household but since this is the 2007 Project Me, not the ‘90s version, I must keep mum) and then I tried taking it back because I was pretty sure it wouldn’t survive the Gowanus Canal. But it was too late.

Last night, not on purpose, I caught an Iconoclasts episode with Eddie Vedder and Laird something or another, a surfer I’d never heard of and they were all on about the type of people who love the ocean (iconoclasts, obviously). Totally not me, I’m an ocean-hater. Well, a beach-loather, more like.

I’ve been planning a trip to Mexico, possibly next month because everyone in the universe has been except me but there’s no way I’m going to Tulum or Cancun or an eco-resort or a frightening all-inclusive destination. Food-wise, Oaxaca is supposed to be amazing but I’m not crazy about civil unrest. I’m fairly certain my destination will be Mexico City. It’s all the rage. I’d just better not get robbed or kidnapped or I will seriously never vacation in North America again. Despite some thinking S.E. Asia is troubled I’ve never had a problem; the only place I’ve experienced crime while traveling was in stupid Vancouver, Canada. Lame, eh?

Speaking of troubled locales, I made a minute mention recently that James brought up Beijing as a relocation option that had been presented to him. He’s so not into it, while I totally am. Say, a year in China wouldn’t kill anyone, right? I’m 98% sure it won’t happen, though tag along business trips are a very real possibility. That’s why I was entertained by yesterday’s New York Times article, "No Spitting on the Road to Olympic Glory, Beijing Says" (it’s been on top ten most emailed, which I understand, unlike that inexplicable #1 slot for last Friday’s "36 Hours in Portland, Ore." mess. Fuck the pseudo-hip egalitarian bars with patrons in wheelchairs, this is the Portland of my childhood).

Swearing, I have no issue with. Bad grammar, I can handle when it’s ESL not idiotic native. Spitting, I’m not so crazy about, I’m constantly dodging sidewalk loogies, as it is. But line cutting is a serious deal-breaker.

“Last week, the city commemorated ‘Queuing Day,’ an event held on the 11th of every month because the date symbolizes an orderly line. Volunteers wearing satin Queuing Day sashes shooed rush-hour commuters into lines at busy subway stations, while hospital administrators and a few city officials handed out long-stemmed roses to patients who stood in line to pay their bills or pick up medicines.”

Despite being moderately anti-authoritarian, I love rule-following. It’s one of the many reasons I’m nuts for Singapore (I accidentally registered, yes, registered [only a public Singaporean event would require such formality] for this Singapore Day festival in Central Park on Saturday, as Singaporean because that was the default pull-down setting. But it turns out they’re limiting the amount of slots for non-Singaporeans, also very Singaporean [they ask for age and photos with job applications too] and New Yorkers are now shit out of luck. Now, I wonder if I show up and am clearly Caucasian if I’ll be publicly humiliated or caned or something. Hawkers in midtown are a complete recipe for disaster anyway, if you ask me. I predict mayhem and disappointment and will likely check out the Bronx Target instead for a different style of trauma.).

I don’t like to single out ethnic groups (ok, I do) for generalized offences but it’s no secret that some of the worst subway offenders are elderly Chinese. If anyone’s going to push on before letting riders off, it’s one of them. However, all ages and ethnicities seem to have a problem with this same concept applied to business doors. I always let people come out before I enter, yet this is never reciprocated. When I’m leaving a store, restaurant, post office, wherever, the person approaching the building always barges in while I’m clearly in the doorway trying to leave. And I’m not a slowpoke, so they can burn in hell for their impatience.

I don’t know if I could handle an entire city of door-rushers and queue-wreckers.  It gives new meaning to the old grade school lunch line slang, Chinese cuts. That’s right up there with the other fifth grade chestnut, “no cuts, no butts, no coconuts.” Tough times call for tough words.

11 thoughts on “No Cuts, No Butts, No Coconuts

  1. Word needs to get out that Portland’s “hipness” is only contained in a 3 mile zone around the city center. Outside of that is wall to wall meth crazed hillbillies. It really is a dangerous place.

  2. GUCCI BELT WITH ENGRAVED GUCCI PLAQUE BUCKLE 114990 IN BEIGE/EBO
    Gucci Large Shoulder Bag with Interlocking G 246334 in Beige/Bro
    GUCCI 246881 GG FABRIC WITH LEATHER MESSENGER BAG BLUE
    Gucci Continental Wallet With Engraved Logo And Studs Light Brow
    gucci continental wallet with engraved script logo heart coffee
    GUCCI JUNGLE MEDIUM HOBO 232930 IN MAUVE
    gucci wallet
    gucci pelham medium shoulder bag 137621 beige /white
    Gucci Large Backpack with Leather Interlocking G Detail 258850 i
    GUCCI GREENWICH MEDIUM TOTE 257051 IN BLACK
    GUCCI HERITAGE LARGE BOSTON BAG 247572 BLACK
    Gucci Belts
    Gucci Large Carry-on Duffel 206500 in Brown
    Gucci Cathrine Medium Top Handle Bag 247286 Dark Brown
    Gucci Messenger Bag 233052 Coffee
    GUCCI ZIP AROUND CARD CASE 235558 IN BLACK
    Gucci Vintage Web Medium Boston Bag 247205 In Light Tobacco
    Gucci Techno Horsebit Medium Hobo 240261 Black
    GUCCI MEDIUM MESSENGER BAG 256100 IN BLACK
    Gucci Heritage Medium Shoulder Bag 247597 Black
    gucci for men
    gucci g square medium shoulder bag 248045 black
    Gucci Messenger Bag With Signature Web 211130 In Beige/Ebony
    GUCCI ONLINE
    GUCCI PURSE
    Gucci 270410 F951N 8611 Medium Messenger Bag Beige / Blue
    Gucci Duffel with Signature Web Detail 245075 in Khaki
    Gucci-Shoulder-240803-Leather-Light-Blu
    gucci belt with square horsebit buckle 245116 in dark brown
    Gucci Continental Wallet with Web Coffee
    GUCCI MEDIUM BACKPACK WITH SIGNATURE WEB DETAIL 190278 IN BEIGE/BROWN
    GUCCI-SHOULDER-240803-LEATHER-APRICOT
    Gucci Joy Medium Boston Bag 193603 Beige /Bordeaux
    gucci baseball hat with web beige /cream
    GUCCI CHEAP
    gucci 240801 men shoulder bag apricot
    GUCCI CONTINENTAL WALLET WITH WEB AND STUDS COFFEE
    GUCCI NEW BAMBOO TOP HANDLE BAG 263970 IN BLACK
    Gucci Vintage Web Medium Boston Bag 247205 In White
    Gucci Broadway Clutch 257073 In Mauve
    Gucci Joy Medium Boston Bag 193603 Black
    Gucci Carry-On Duffle With Interlocking G Embroidery 243818 In B
    GUCCI CONTINENTAL WALLET WITH TRADEMARK ENGRAVED PLATE PINK
    gucci sale
    GUCCI BAMBOO BAR LARGE TOTE 232929 IN MILITARY GREEN
    GUCCI SHOULDER BAGS 201446-BLACK
    gucci for women
    Gucci Bi-Fold Card Case Wallet Coffee
    Gucci Bags
    Gucci Mayfair Small Messenger Bag 257065 In Beige/Off-White
    Gucci 1973 Medium Shoulder Bag 251809 Light Brown
    gucci handbag
    Gucci Lovely Medium Hobo 257070 In Beige/Brown
    Gucci 1973 Medium Top Handle Bag 251813 Black
    gucci outlet

Leave a Reply