Mock Tales

There is a line of Crystal Light flavors based on cocktails ladies love like mojitos, pomtinis (I guess that's a thing?), and bellinis.

And, there is an ad in either Family Circle or Good Housekeeping (along with Redbook, the three blur) that I can't find online anywhere that basically says that if you drank three Crystal Light appletinis instead of the real thing, you wouldn't have fucked an ugly dude. Seriously.

I encountered this ad at the gym and when I went back a few days later to snag the magazine, the only mom-type magazine left on the shelf (along with a Sarah Lawrence alumni mag–who brings such nonsense to the gym, let alone leaves it behind for others? I also learned the next day while reading the April Real Simple, also left behind at the gym, that Sarah Lawrence is the most expensive college in the U.S. at $44,000+. This explains why my alumni publication is just get a folded newspaper thing. I may not be that fit, but I sure learn a lot on every gym visit) was the April 2012 Good Housekeeping with whom I thought was Jason Bateman on the cover even though it made no sense, but turned out to be a very airbrushed Dr. Oz who says you can lose weight even while eating pasta. This was not the magazine containing the ad, though.  But if you're dying to know the 2-minute habit that could save your life, I'll let you in on the secret: it's getting up off your ass and moving every half hour. I have resigned myself to early, sedentary grave.