Beauty & the Obese

Nofatchicks When was the last time you saw a fat actress coupled with a hottie on TV? Uh, never.  When was the last time you saw a fat woman playing a non-comedic major role, at all? Exactly. Until there are equal opportunities for fat chicks in media, no fat dudes will be abided. Once a relatively attractive woman gives into a fatso on TV, it gets schlubby guys thinking they’ve got it made, or at least have a chance. Sorry, life doesn’t work that way (unless you’re a gazillionaire).

I’m enforcing my no rewards for retards policy and keeping tabs on this injustice. Sorry, nice fat dudes, but your delusional beefy brethren have forced me generalize. I’m not attacking the actor, but the character (unless the phenomenon carries over into their personal life, of course).

This unfortunate past time is a work in progress, but allow me to populate my sure-to-expand list with some recent and obvious offenders:

Hurley on Lost
Yeah, yeah, Libby kicked the bucket last week, and there was clearly more to that pairing that met the eye, but if her life hadn’t been cut short Hurley was totally going to get some castaway sex.

Tony Soprano
Classic case of money and power trumping looks. He got Annabella Sciorra a few seasons ago, now Juliana Margolies Margulies (o.k. that's a Jewish name–I had no idea) is in the picture. What still attractive, past their prime (in Hollywood years, not by my standards) Italian-American actresses are left to seduce? Let’s see…there’s Marissa Tomei, Laura San Giacomo, Linda Fiorentino, Mira Sorvino. Wow, Tony’s got his work cut out.

Beauty and the obese has been rampant this genre since Ralph Kramden made threatening to punch your wife funny.

  • Doug Heffernen on King of Queens—is it any coincidence that tonight’s episode is titled “Fight Schlub”?
  • Bill Miller on Still Standing—apparently, this is a CBS perpetrated trend.
  • Jimmy Hughes on Yes, Dear—honestly, I wouldn’t say he’s fat fat from this linked photo, but a female of his equivalent size would be considered a disgusting cow. Plus, this is another CBS show, which merits a mention.
  • Sean Finnerty on Grounded for Life—Donal Logue tried working the fat dude mojo in Tao of Steve, but if I’m correct he got his comeuppance. 

4 thoughts on “Beauty & the Obese

  1. Don’t forget “Average Joe,” “Beauty and the Geek,” CSI Miami (the haggard guy and the young latina girl) and George Costanza. Oh geez, and the original offender, “The Honeymooners” (sure, I see Alice humping Ralph…ick). The fact is, truth is unfortunately sometimes influenced by fiction; take, for example all the loser (fat or otherwise) guys our age with their self-entitlement issues. Maybe the rest of us don’t aim high enough?

    I think the same part of some men’s brains that seems to accept this phenomenon as fact is responsible for the misconception that it’s “hot” for two chicks to make out, and “not” for two guys to do the same.

  2. I never watch any of the CSI’s–I’ll have to look for the haggard guy. Yeah, Average Joe is a total offender. Could you even imagine an Average Jane? Ugly, i.e. average women competing for the affections of a “hot” guy? Flabby girls in hot tubs, mousey women giving the hunk oily massages…viewers would be outraged.

  3. Hey, Family Guy is kool, be proud that your fat! (I’m not fat but…either way…be proud) Besides, the only reason you should wanna get skinny is for health reasons.

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