When was the last time you saw a fat actress coupled with a hottie on TV? Uh, never. When was the last time you saw a fat woman playing a non-comedic major role, at all? Exactly. Until there are equal opportunities for fat chicks in media, no fat dudes will be abided. Once a relatively attractive woman gives into a fatso on TV, it gets schlubby guys thinking they’ve got it made, or at least have a chance. Sorry, life doesn’t work that way (unless you’re a gazillionaire).
I’m enforcing my no rewards for retards policy and keeping tabs on this injustice. Sorry, nice fat dudes, but your delusional beefy brethren have forced me generalize. I’m not attacking the actor, but the character (unless the phenomenon carries over into their personal life, of course).
This unfortunate past time is a work in progress, but allow me to populate my sure-to-expand list with some recent and obvious offenders:
Hurley on Lost
Yeah, yeah, Libby kicked the bucket last week, and there was clearly more to that pairing that met the eye, but if her life hadn’t been cut short Hurley was totally going to get some castaway sex.
Classic case of money and power trumping looks. He got Annabella Sciorra a few seasons ago, now Juliana
Margolies Margulies (o.k. that's a Jewish name–I had no idea) is in the picture. What still attractive, past their prime (in Hollywood years, not by my standards) Italian-American actresses are left to seduce? Let’s see…there’s Marissa Tomei, Laura San Giacomo, Linda Fiorentino, Mira Sorvino. Wow, Tony’s got his work cut out.
Beauty and the obese has been rampant this genre since Ralph Kramden made threatening to punch your wife funny.
- Doug Heffernen on King of Queens—is it any coincidence that tonight’s episode is titled “Fight Schlub”?
- Bill Miller on Still Standing—apparently, this is a CBS perpetrated trend.
- Jimmy Hughes on Yes, Dear—honestly, I wouldn’t say he’s fat fat from this linked photo, but a female of his equivalent size would be considered a disgusting cow. Plus, this is another CBS show, which merits a mention.
- Sean Finnerty on Grounded for Life—Donal Logue tried working the fat dude mojo in Tao of Steve, but if I’m correct he got his comeuppance.