Top Dogs

It’s not like I have any set mission to champion underdogs (it’s tough when rarely on top, yourself) but I can’t stay away from them, it’s just part of my core being. Wednesday I had quite the dilemma because I was dying to see Henry Thomas in a certain to be bad TV movie, but I also wanted to catch Project Runway and the two were both on a 10pm. Both would replay, but which was most important? I had to go with my first and true love H.T., but if I’d known that my recent nonsensical fixation, Malan Breton was going to be auf’d from PR that episode, I would’ve prioritized differently. My life is full of tough decisions, right?

Dreamscapes Ultimately, I got to see both not-fit-for primetime TV guys do their thing. In Nightmares and Dreamscapes, Henry played the genius brother to that Burger (Berger?) guy from Sex and the City who’s also got that new show Standoff coming out (that kid who plays the Jewish terrorist in the commercial must have like the best agent ever because he keeps showing up everywhere. First he was a hybrid in Invasion, then he was a do the right thing teen on Thief, now he’s a yarmulke blow people up type. I don’t much care for him, but I think an upcoming movie that he’s in, The Sasquatch Dumpling Gang is the most awesome name, despite being a Jared Hess flick that'll likely go all '80s pastiche) and I knew he’d get killed off at some point in the show, when was the only question. Technically, he didn’t die until the very end, but it’s a flashback style and in the first few minutes Burger confesses to helping kill Henry so you know he’s dead throughout the entire flick. Very H.T.

I can’t tell if Henry’s aging weirdly or if it was his wardrobe (I thought he started looking kind of good in his late twenties/early thirties, going mildly craggy, but now he’s stating to go kind of warped and sunken. Hmm, he's starting to look like this emotionally disturbed coworker from like five jobs ago who totally stalked me, though I never wrote about it despite being rife with creepy/hilarious moments because I assumed he was reading my website. He could be right now for all I know). He was totally reprising the child molester chic he rocked in that made for TV McMartin trial movie from 1995. It’s the glasses, they turn you into an instant perv. Unfortunately, I can’t find any photos of him online from Indictment.

And then last night I finally got to watch my Project Runway tape (so primitive—I really need to look into this whole DVR thing) and I almost bawled (granted, I had four drinks under my belt and too much imbibing on an empty stomach can induce weepiness) when they cut Malan because it was so wrong. There’s no way he was the worst designer on the episode. There are so many more heinous fashion crimes than making a dress that looks like a tree trunk. Ok, Miss USA would never go on stage in a bark gown (the assignment was designing a gown to her specifications) but still.

Heartbroken I’m totally going to miss bits like when he got all Mommy Dearest and talked about how his mother told him he’d never amount to anything as a child and threw out his sketches. And then at the end I think he said, “I’ve never had many friends” while sobbing (thank God for My Space friends). And that was just so damn heartbreaking and very un-reality TV persona. That was the problem, I think. Sure, he’s colorful and has a slightly bizarre demeanor, but that doesn’t translate well in the reality competition show world. So misguided, so misunderstood (er, I'm still trying to figure out that bit on his bio about having danced with Paula Abdul. I can't not picture him as MC Skat Kat). Even H.T. fares better than he.

Bonus Nonsense

Bad Poetry Odes to Malan
Sisters Make Heart Shaped Cookies for Malan

2 thoughts on “Top Dogs

  1. It was so sad when Malan said something like, “I’ve just been kicked off the show. I’m so ashamed.” He turned away from the camera in embarrassment. I was going to write on my blog about it, but I’m too slow and you always write about the stuff I mean to talk about but it’s always funnier and better written on here. Drat.

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